Jesus Christ

Hi everyone. Its Friday night. I should be preparing for tomorrows farm stand. I have not. I am sick again. Being sick has made me come closer to terms with things as they are. We all know we are not permanent. If you are anything like me you struggle like hell to forget the reality of life....the eventual end...death. When you are sick, chronically sick, this reality becomes larger than life. Last week at the farm stand I overdid it for being just hospitalized....and regret it still. In my just out of the woods attempts to overcompensate and prove I am fine, when in fact my health is a real issue right now, I drove myself further into the pain which is my reality.  I have been reflecting a lot lately and tonight was a huge moment in my faith growing and my sudden craving to understand faith in Jesus. I received a book today. Art went on a tractor ride to a drug addicted loco friend of his trailer. He brought me an odd assortment of gifts...planters, flowers, old timey magazines, and one odd book...A christian woman "Anne Lamott" writing on "grace"  which is coincidentally the name of our church here on the ranch. I have read 127 pages in 2 hours. When Art brings me little gifts I feel him trying to help guide me out of pain and misery and self loathing which is my life. Most of the time I suck it up and pretend to be fine....and pass up  the wisdom contained in any of the miracle divinity contained with in his gifts .But this womans writing broke the levy of self pride and fear I am holding on to....I can honestly hold more personal truths today than yesterday because of this book.  My blood pressure won't go down, my meds make me sick,  I am in pain, I'm scared to death, I love my life and I am not ready to decline. I feel sadness and joy equally and simultaneously and am frantic to run from the end and would save myself at all costs....who wouldn't...... When I was at the hospital last week, I woke up to the sounds of a gurney and furniture moving around. I had been alone in the room for several hours. I could hear all the sounds of the standard admission  paperwork and the vital sign collections. When the husband of my new neighbor arrived I kindly offered my empty visitors chair to the family of the new tenant. Partly because I am nice whenever I can be, and partly because I knew I wasn't needing it...I spend my hospital admissions alone.  Throughout my last day in the hospital, I witnessed the sounds of this woman and her family learning she had terminal non-treatable cancer...and  suddenly it hit me today, I havent told anyone how hard this was for me....how much I just ignore what hurts and keep going like it never happened. How I have learned not to cry about missing my kids or having my undying love thrown away and my life torn from me.....How I have learned not to cry for my lost dreams broken friendships, debts, both mine and those due to me.  God forbid I have to look back and reckon...im not done undoing.....and I havent been allowed to sit back and enjoy my second third and fourth chance...at figuring out this great mystery of life....I am a little depressed tonight..... depressed I am being robbed again of simple joy...my life is fially perfect, yet I lie here vomiting and in pain....but to find a way out of pain regrets sorrow and fear...I felt a gush of relief at the thought of Jesus, greeting us on the other side...like an old friend....and after many years of doubt and standalone faith I understood the need to believe...in him.