Smut

After several days of heavy reading...(c.s lewis mere Christianity, grapes of wrath, bible, etc) and a decent worship at church I admit it... I'm watching nothing but MTV smut all day. no lie. If I could hold food down Id eat a whole bag of chips...and a 2 liter of Pepsi....but I am still super sick.....sigh...and we have no food but veggies....tonight is food network night woo-hoo.

All Stars

Today I was watching mid day TV and a Local San Diego show called "one on one" came on. It was an insider look at the Chula Vista Little leaguers who won the 2009 world series.  I had heard about them last year. I guess everyone has. They made it to letterman. I guess the reason they struck me today, is when I saw the way these kids struggled. They are growing up in the hood...where the most desired goal is to be a gangsta thug....Where the value of a life is placed on ho's and rims....their families torn by poverty and crime. Then it hit me. One thing about human nature I have learned is that mediocrity isn't favored. These kids are super stars. Cinderella stories.....thats what we look for in our race. So here I am a child of mediocrity, I grew up in some ghetto fo sho....but then I was a middle class child of mediocre parents. These kids rocketed out of mediocrity....as a result of seeing some hard times....but what a challenge to someone like me to quit being mediocre out of laziness. These boys are adoreable though. Check out that show if it reruns.!!

Jesus Christ

Hi everyone. Its Friday night. I should be preparing for tomorrows farm stand. I have not. I am sick again. Being sick has made me come closer to terms with things as they are. We all know we are not permanent. If you are anything like me you struggle like hell to forget the reality of life....the eventual end...death. When you are sick, chronically sick, this reality becomes larger than life. Last week at the farm stand I overdid it for being just hospitalized....and regret it still. In my just out of the woods attempts to overcompensate and prove I am fine, when in fact my health is a real issue right now, I drove myself further into the pain which is my reality.  I have been reflecting a lot lately and tonight was a huge moment in my faith growing and my sudden craving to understand faith in Jesus. I received a book today. Art went on a tractor ride to a drug addicted loco friend of his trailer. He brought me an odd assortment of gifts...planters, flowers, old timey magazines, and one odd book...A christian woman "Anne Lamott" writing on "grace"  which is coincidentally the name of our church here on the ranch. I have read 127 pages in 2 hours. When Art brings me little gifts I feel him trying to help guide me out of pain and misery and self loathing which is my life. Most of the time I suck it up and pretend to be fine....and pass up  the wisdom contained in any of the miracle divinity contained with in his gifts .But this womans writing broke the levy of self pride and fear I am holding on to....I can honestly hold more personal truths today than yesterday because of this book.  My blood pressure won't go down, my meds make me sick,  I am in pain, I'm scared to death, I love my life and I am not ready to decline. I feel sadness and joy equally and simultaneously and am frantic to run from the end and would save myself at all costs....who wouldn't...... When I was at the hospital last week, I woke up to the sounds of a gurney and furniture moving around. I had been alone in the room for several hours. I could hear all the sounds of the standard admission  paperwork and the vital sign collections. When the husband of my new neighbor arrived I kindly offered my empty visitors chair to the family of the new tenant. Partly because I am nice whenever I can be, and partly because I knew I wasn't needing it...I spend my hospital admissions alone.  Throughout my last day in the hospital, I witnessed the sounds of this woman and her family learning she had terminal non-treatable cancer...and  suddenly it hit me today, I havent told anyone how hard this was for me....how much I just ignore what hurts and keep going like it never happened. How I have learned not to cry about missing my kids or having my undying love thrown away and my life torn from me.....How I have learned not to cry for my lost dreams broken friendships, debts, both mine and those due to me.  God forbid I have to look back and reckon...im not done undoing.....and I havent been allowed to sit back and enjoy my second third and fourth chance...at figuring out this great mystery of life....I am a little depressed tonight..... depressed I am being robbed again of simple joy...my life is fially perfect, yet I lie here vomiting and in pain....but to find a way out of pain regrets sorrow and fear...I felt a gush of relief at the thought of Jesus, greeting us on the other side...like an old friend....and after many years of doubt and standalone faith I understood the need to believe...in him. 

update

I  have so much to write about. We had our first farm stand with Eric this last weekend, and it was a hit. We didn't make much but we all had a great time introducing ourselves to new people and reconnecting with old ones. I am still not 100% from my last hospital stay and to be honest I feel like crap. I think I am honestly going through withdrawals all over again....either  from so long back, or from the hospital drugs. I cant do what I used to outside right now, and I can tell my lack of energy in the farm has affected everyones mojo. I am real tired and I hurt all over. I don't like taking the pills from the hospital.......not just pain ones but blood pressure and blood thinner ones...they make me feel yuck. I want a puppy worse than ever. You know they have proven small dogs cure stroke victims? I want a chihuahua, or Pomeranian, or min-pin ....anyone have a puppy for me? lol.... Art and I are both thinking a lot about our kids. Thats a good sign the drugs are really wearing off for both of us. I know in good time we can work it all out the way God intends it. I'm on dish strike again. I haven't done em in forever. Yuck huh. Although this all sounds rough, we really are doing fine. Hope to see you all on the farm.....we love visitors....

head of the Fat bellied crooktailed mews

home from club med

I am alive. I missed a week out of my life but survived a massive blood pressure rise. I feel woozy and medicated but happy enough. I have been really introspective and slightly paranoid, Its hard for me to read. All are side affects of the drugs I am on. I cant begin to sum up the whole experience but I can give a 2 cents from my side of life,.....that is to remember
LIFE IS SHORT
LOVE IS EVERYTHING
NEVER GIVE UP


I wish I could live forever..... Art says we will....Jesus said I will....and I am good with that. I am making chicken and noodle curry and plan to snuggle up to my hon and not take a second for granted. 


Love Always Tilly